Mrs. Edith Dupree was found impaled on a large shard of porcelain in her guest bathroom. Apparently the victim's toilet collapsed under her weight sending shards of porcelain through her rectum and upper buttocks. A number of pelvic arteries were cut during the incident leading to massive bleeding which was listed as the cause of death.

Mr. Poco Cox, the emergency tech first at the scene commented: "It looked like the victim sat on a massive rotted tomato. I will never forget the look on her face... she never saw it coming." What can be said of the tragic fate of Mrs. Edith Dupree? Is her death the ultimate irony of her lifestyle microcosm which exposes a much deeper and more disturbing societal trend? Our kids are too fat for their car seats and too stupid to compete scholastically with the rest of the world. We now need to reinforce our toilets and expand our car cup holders because of our girth and gluttony. Our bloated, drug- filled carcasses are too big to fit into the coffins. What is next America? Massive grease fires at the crematoriums because of lard overload?

Just the ramblings of a vaccine-damaged, high fructose corn syrup filled American mind.